Recovery Takes Time
by Bob1989
Summary: Sam has a secret that she's going to extreme lengths to keep it to herself at all costs, this 'Secret' is putting a strain on her relationship with Tom. Tom later uncovers her secret when Sam takes things too far and it nearly costs her, her life. Tom wants to help, but just what was the triggering point?{WARNING Contains Self Harm mentions/a suicide attempt. Maybe Triggering}
1. Chapter 1

I gasp a long deep sigh of relief. I know that this feeling won't last long and I  
also know that the emotions and the feelings that I have inside will only just  
build up again but here I am once again. I look to my arm, and the cuts that I've  
recently just made to my arm, I watch as the blood trickles down my skin and  
the feeling that I can breathe again much easily becomes apparent and it seems  
like I'm finally back in control of my demons and the never ending battle  
within my own mind.

I take some tissue from the toilet roll and I dap it on my open wounds. Hoping to stop the bleeding but I know it'll be no use. I mean after all I know it'll just add to my collection of scars. Before I look in the mirror and I frown at my appearance. I look tired. Nothing new there then, seeing as I always looked tired but now it was becoming more and more obvious the dark bruise like shadows under my eyes.

I keep telling myself that I will eventually get a good night's sleep but that's impossible when you work the hours that I do, I mean I've only just finished a week of night shifts, and I'm so tired. But I wouldn't just say tired as in physical. Tired emotionally too. I notice that my arm has eventually finished bleeding and I chose to open the first aid kit which I always have on hand. Knowing that if I was going to hide what I was doing, and especially to Tom then I needed to be prepared. He wouldn't want to know me, or be with me, if he knew what a damaged messed up worthless piece I am.

If he saw my scars he would run a mile and I would be back to being on my own again. Maybe that would be good for me? Who knows? Before I clean my newly fresh wounds, wrapping them in a bandage before I place on my top again and I close the first aid kit. I close the kit and I wrap my 'tools' as I had begun to call them away in a sheet of tissue paper. I leave a trace of my blood on one of them. Just as a reminder that I've slipped off the tracks again.

And I'm back to square one. You see I tell myself that I won't slip that low again, that I won't allow the urges or the temptation that follows to overpower me again. But it always wins. Because these emotions that I struggle with every single day, become too much and the only way I feel as if I can deal with those emotions is by doing this to myself.

You see I used to be in the army and I could deal with seeing my colleagues have their hands, arms and legs blown off. And mange to work in that situation but here I was, working in an ED and I couldn't even deal with the slightest bit of emotion. And it was ridiculous, I felt ridiculous. I mean I was supposed to handle everything going on but I couldn't this.

There was a knock on the door and I brought myself out of my thoughts because it wasn't going to do me any favours. Beating myself up like I was. But I was already there.

I knew that Tom would be at the door, we were both working the same shifts today and I sighed to myself. I knew that he had been very patient with me. Wanting to take our relationship to the next stage. But I just wasn't ready. I was embarrassed by my scars. He wouldn't want to know if he could see me. Without any scrubs on.

Because of my scars. I was self-conscious about my body not because of Tom seeing and having his preying eyes glaring at my endless scars but because none of my colleagues were aware of my problem, my problem that was fast becoming serious and I really had no idea how to stop it.

Once I was ready for work and I had kept Tom waiting longer then I should have done. I slipped into my coat and slipped my bag onto my shoulder and I answered the door. "You know it's rude to keep a man waiting" he said smiling at me and I just glared at him.

"Sam, is everything okay?" he said looking at me. And I nodded weakly "everything's fine" I tell him and he nods. "We're going to be late if we don't get a move on "he said and he held out my hand. Hoping I would take it.

I sighed before I slipped my hand into his and we walked to work. In a mere comfortable silence which I enjoyed and we made it to the ED. Headed to change into our scrubs. Tom undid his locker which was next to mine. He took his out and began to change, which I took mine out choosing the change into the toilets again. I knew that this annoyed Tom but it wasn't his fault. I just didn't want him to see the full extent of how ugly my body was.

I closed my locker, clutching my scrubs in my hands. "I'll be back in a moment. I'm going to change in the toilets. "I tell him and Tom nods. "Nothing new there, then. Sam if I didn't know any better I would say you had something to hide" Tom said and I shook my head. "Why would I have anything to hide? I just don't like changing in front of people. It makes me self-conscious " I tell him and I leave and head in direction of the toilets to change into my scrubs. I knew deep down that I couldn't keep putting Tom off. He wasn't going to stay patient forever. But I had no idea. Where to start with my problem or even worse. How he would react.

* * *

**Okay Guys as you may have guessed that yes this story is about self-harm. It is written from my own personal experiences and I wanted to share it. I will try to make the story my own, and tell it in my own words. i understand if you wouldn't like to read. Or whatever. But I would admire any reviews as always. **

**I do not own the characters. They belong to the BBC. Everything else is my own and the story. **

**Thanks. **

**Bob. **


	2. Chapter 2

Twenty minutes later I had changed into my scrubs, leaving my shirt on underneath my scrub top. Because the last thing I wanted was for questions to rise about why I had a bandage on my arm and not only that, the scrub tops would have exposed my scars on my arms and to be honest with you, that's the last thing I wanted. Because I know word would get back to Tom and I know that deep down he will want to help and I just can't let him not because I didn't want his help. I just didn't want to admit just how much of a problem that I have. The one thing they never tell you that as soon as you make that first cut. You're instantly hooked. No one ever told me that when I first started. No it just took away the pain, the pain inside. That I felt out of control. Was so out of control that I didn't know what to do?

I placed my clothes into my locker and I pulled out my name badge and stethoscope and placed it around my neck. And pinning my badge to myself before I left and headed to see the first patient of the day. I noticed Tom on my way and he gave me a small smile. I felt as if I should return the said smile so I did and he walked in the opposite way to me. I headed to reception and over to the desk. "Noel, what have you got for me?" I said in a bright but completely false voice. "Teenager Steven Jacobs" Noel said handing me the file and I called out his name. The lad Steven got up and he followed me into cubicles I noticed that he was holding a bloody arm, and I wasn't to know that his lad was going through the exact as me, but as soon as we arrived to a cubicle. He sat down on the bed. "Okay Steven, my name's Sam and I'm one of the doctors at the ED. What can I help you with today?" I ask him and he pulls away the soaked and what I think is a towel covered in blood away from his arm and I notice a daggering cut. From his wrist downwards.

"Steven, that's quite a nasty cut you got there. Like to tell me how you did it?" I ask him, placing on some gloves and he doesn't answer me. He just looks at me as if to see. You know how I've done this, you're one of us. "Steven, as you're underage I'm going to have to contact your parents. " I tell him and he shakes his head. "Please, don't they'll be so mad. I promised them I would stop" he said and I raise my eyebrow. "Steven did you do this to yourself on purpose?" I ask and he nodded. "Please, can't you just clean it up and stitch it closed?" he asked and I shook my head "I'm afraid it's not that simple. You see Steven, we have a routine here that whenever someone inflicts harm on themselves intentionally, we have to arrange a psyche assignment you know state of mental health. And with you being underage I really do need to contact your parents because there's a chance you'll have to stay overnight and be discharged in the morning once you've been given the all clear by one of our support teams that deal with young people like yourself" I explain.

"Fine. I'll give you they're numbers if you promise not to say anything, about what I've done, they told me it was my last chance. That I needed to recover. But it's not that easy, its so, it's so hard" he said and before I knew it. He was crying. I placed my hand on his shoulder.

You see I don't usually become emotionally involved when it comes to patients. But something about Steven was different. Was it because I understood myself exactly what he was going through? I knew what he meant when he said it was so hard to stop. "Steven, I really need those numbers" I ask him and he nods. Before he tells me the numbers, I write them down and leave him be in the cubicles while I make the necessarily calls. To his parents, and then to our psyche team.

* * *

I rang our psyche team and requested an assignment of a young teenager before I rang his parent's numbers, but it seemed to just ring out, the numbers that Steven had given me. You see usually I would have picked up when a patient was giving me false information when it came to contacts. But for some reason my instincts didn't kick in this time. Maybe because I felt like I connected with him? I soon made my way back to the cubicle.

"Steven those numbers you have given me they seem to just ring out" I explain and he nodded. "It's because they're dead. My parents" he admitted and my heart sank for the poor guy. "Is that why you've been self harming?" I ask him and he nodded. "It's just so hard. And the kids at school don't make it any easier. They tease me for having no parents, they have no idea what it's like when they have they're mums and dads and I don't" he explains.

"I know its hard struggling with your grief, but doing this to yourself. Isn't going to help matters, it will only make things worse. I know that it feels as if it makes everything better. But it doesn't. It doesn't take away the full problem. Just distracts you from it" I explain. "You wouldn't understand, you're a doctor. Of course you wouldn't no one understands apart from another self harmer." He said and I sigh. "Steven. I understand better then you think" I tell him quietly so no other colleagues will hear. And he looks at me and I simply nod.

"Please, keep that to yourself. None of my colleagues know" I explain and he nods. "its safe with me, how long?" he added and I sigh. Knowing I shouldn't really reveal my personal issues with a patient. But that frankly went out the window when I became emotionally involved. "As long as I can remember " I tell him. "You understand what its like don't you? How hard it is to stop?" he asks and before I answer him, a member of our psyche team turns up to asset him. And that's my clue to leave it there.

* * *

Eventually Steven was transferred to a ward upstairs and as I predicted he was admitted and will be spending the night on one of our wards and will be fully reviewed in the morning. When I was done with patient notes. Tom approached me and he was holding a coffee in his hand. "Hey, thought you could do with this" he said handing me the coffee.

"You know its one of the worst things a man can say to a woman, mention how tired she looks " I state and Tom raised an eyebrow. "I never said you looked tired. I just thought you could do with a coffee. So lunch break, want to meet up in the canteen?" he asked and I sigh before nodding. He smiles at me before walking away.


	3. Chapter 3

Lunch time soon rolled around and I was supposed to meet Tom for lunch but I was running a bit behind with discharging my most recent patient so it meant that I was running into my lunch break but I didn't mind, to be honest I could have done without Tom's glaring eyes looking into mine, wondering what on earth is going on inside my mind, well to be honest. My thoughts hadn't really left Steven. I wondered how he was coping with being on one of the wards so I chose to make myself a mental note to go up and visit him and it was this point that Fletch came over to me.

"Sam are you almost finished here?" he asked looking at me and I simply nodded "I'll be a second, why?" I ask and Fletch shows me his pager and I realise that Tom had paged him asking if I was still working and was supposed to be meeting him for lunch. I sighed. Biting my lower lip. I know that I and Tom are supposed to be in a relationship but he doesn't have check up on me like this. I was going to meet him and was looking forward to having lunch but he had soon put me off that. When I was finished discharging my patient I had to drag myself down to the canteen and I saw Tom not looking at all happy. So I walked over to him.

"Sorry Tom, I got a bit caught up with discharging a patient" I explain and Tom nods "Its fine Sam, I was beginning to wonder whether you were avoiding me" he said and I shook my head "why would I do that?" I ask and he tilts his head to the side. "How about I come over to yours tonight?" he asked and it blew me by surprise. "Whatt. " I muttered. "You know, let me come over, cook you a meal" he said and I looked at him. "You cook?" I said joking. "You understate my cooking abilities" he said and I raise my eyebrow "I have every good reason not to allow you anywhere my cooker after the last attempt" I said and Tom looked at me.

"Sam seriously in all the time that I have been with you, I haven't once seen the inside of your flat, let alone where you live" he said and I look at him. "And that's been a problem since when?" I ask and he looks at me. "I just feel as if we're at a standstill, you know in our relationship. I feel as if you're holding something back. Like you're holding yourself back. You can tell me anything you know that right?" he said and I nodded weakly. "Tom, I just –"I began and he looked at me. "Yes?" he said.

"Nothing, it's not important" I say quickly and Tom looks at me again, "See there you go again you begin to tell me something and you change your mind half way through, Sam whatever it is. You can tell me" He said and I shook my head,

"You wouldn't understand" I add before I got up to my feet. "Try me. " Tom said taking my hand into his. "Tom I can't do this, not now. I'm sorry" I tell him and I take my hand out of his and leave the canteen.

* * *

{Tom's POV}

I sigh to myself as I watch as Sam walks away. i can sense that something is bothering her, I'm not sure whether it's the way that she acts around me or just her behaviour is off. And it's then I notice the tray of food that she carried over with her hasn't been touched. Just her bottle of water has been touched I wonder for a moment to when I last saw Sam have a full meal and come to think of it.

I can't think of a moment when I did actually see her eat something, I was worried. Not only as a boyfriend or whatever I was supposed to be, but as a colleague too I was worried, I knew that I couldn't go to Zoe with my concerns because I knew that Sam was a very private person when it came to her emotions and feelings, and she wasn't the type to ask for help but I just knew deep down that something wasn't right. It wasn't long before lunch was over and I was back to work. I hadn't seen Sam since and I could tell that she would probably want to be left alone. So that's what I chose to do.

It was the end of shift and I chose to change out of my scrubs and into my normal clothes, it was only when I was done placing my t-shirt on that I heard the door open and I turned around and looked at Sam, she gave me a half smile. But I could tell that the smile wasn't genuine, something in her eyes told me that she had some sort of inner battle going on, a battle that she wasn't allowing to help her with.

"Tom, about before" she said and I turn to look at her. "It's okay, forget about it." I tell her. But she tilts her head. "No it was wrong of me. I know you were only suggesting and you didn't deserve how I reacted. "She began and I look at her. "Sam I get it, I get it that whatever's going on with you. You want to deal with it by yourself. So I'll back off. "I try to reason with her. "Tom you don't have to do that" she said and I sigh

"Sam I don't know where I am with you half the time, you're ether leading me on or pushing me away. I can't take it any more something has got to give. You ether willing to fight for us. More effort into us or that's it. We're through "I explain. I knew I sounded harsh. But if I could turn back the clock and the events leading up to what happened next believe me I would have.

If I know that the events of that day would have pushed Sam over the edge I would have taken back everything that I said to her. And would have helped her through it and talk her out of what she did next.

But I didn't, I simply closed my locker and slipped my coat on walking away, not looking at her face when I walked past her.

"Tom" she calls after me but I don't hear instead I carry on walking out of the ED, and intend on going home.

* * *

{end of POV}

I chose to head home knowing that there wasn't any point in trying to convince tom, maybe tomorrow he'll come around and we can sort it out. But he had a point. I was pushing him away and he said he would back off and let me deal with my issue myself.I didn't want to deal with it by myself, I wasn't stable enough mentally to deal with it myself. I headed home and closed the front door, not even bothering to lock it. I just couldn't be bothered anymore.

I had thought about it before. suicide that is, I mean I always used to think of it as a mindless act, how anyone could take they're own lives over a simple nature of problems, problems that could easily be solved but now I understood the pain of a suicidal person and I understood how hard life would and could be for them.

I couldn't possibly tell you the first time that i thought about ending it all, maybe a couple of weeks ago when it all became too much? That's when I knew that my self harm was having a serious affect on the state of my mind.

I hadn't thought about death before but now I found myself thinking about it quiet some time and the longer I had these thoughts the more I felt myself wanting to try.

You see the intention was never really killing myself but for crying out for help,'I know i needed help. I sins like to admit it but I did, and I needed to fix my over ending problem with the self harm.

I rang tom, it took a moment or two Before he answered. "What do you want Sam?" He asks me and I take a deep breath "you wanted to see my flat, where I live, well here's my address " I tell him. "Come over in forty minutes. The front door will be unlocked and I'll be upstairs in the main bedroom " I tell him. He says okay and I hang up.

It was then my choice. It was then. I made the choice to hang myself.


	4. Chapter 4

{Tom's POV}

I came off the phone to Sam and I wasn't exactly sure of what I should make of that conversation but I didn't know if it was instinct or a warning but something in the put of my gut told me that something wasn't right and that I should get over there as quickly as I possibly could.

The more I thought about it. Sam said the front door would be unlocked. Why would you leave the door unlocked? I wondered but none the less I got into my jacket, grabbing my keys. And I left the flat, I drove to where she said her apartment was and I undid the engine, stepping out and locking the car up, before I walked up the pathway to what I thought was a flat.

I mean I was supposed to be enjoying this, the first time actually seeing where my girlfriend lived but anyone would agree that what was about to happen was not for a good memory. But the complete opposite

Even know Sam had told me that the front door was unlocked.. I thought I should knock anyway, just to be polite and in case that she had changed her mind about me coming over. "Sam? It's me Tom" I call out and nothing, not even a peep. I open the letter box and call her name again, still nothing, and it was then I knew something was seriously wrong. Like she said. The door was unlocked. I walked into the apartment and I closed the door behind myself

"Sam" I shouted again and still nothing, my instinct told me to go upstairs and into the bedroom. So I did, I followed my gut instinct and to be honest with you I'm glad I followed my instinct to even go over because i would have regretted it otherwise. And it was there I found her in the bedroom. Hanging from a rope

At first I was stunned but then a few minutes later my medical training kicked in and I searched frantically for anything I could cut her down with. I eventually found a knife which I just hoped was sharp enough to cut through the rope. Her limp and lifeless body soon hit the bed below with a soft thud and I checked for a pulse. I found one but it was weak. So weak.

I quickly dialled 999 and went through the dialogue and asked them to send out Jeff and Dixie because I knew Sam would be the in the best hands with them, and I also knew that Jeff and Dixie weren't the type to be judgemental they wouldn't pass comment. It seemed like forever before I heard sirens outside.

"Ambulance service" I hear Jeff shout.

"Jeff, up in here" I shouted back down

"Tom?" Dixie said.

"Its Sam "was all I could muster and it wasn't long before Jeff and Dixie appeared in the room. I noticed as Jeff eyed the rope and I simply nodded. "She's tried hanging herself. I found her." I explain,

Jeff nodded and he soon got to work. Before Dixie began cutting away her sleeve from her top and I was horrified when I saw the scars on her arms.

Dixie looked up at me. "Tom did you know about this?" she asks and I shook my head. "No, not at all. Please just help her." I explain and Dixie nodded

* * *

It wasn't long before Sam was bungled into the back of the ambulance and we were on the way to the ED. It seemed like forever before we eventually arrived and I noticed Ash and Rita, along with Caleb and Ethan were waiting for us. Dixie opened the doors. "Tom?" Ash said noticing me, before he noticed Sam.

"What have we got Dixie?" Caleb asked. "Sam Nicholls, twenty eight years old. Suspected suicide attempt, unconscious when arrived on scene and through out, there is also signs of self harm" Dixie said as Sam was wheeled through into rhesus. I went to follow but Caleb pushed me back "Tom, you know the rules. You're too close" he said and I sighed with frustration.

"Please. " was all I could ask and Caleb wouldn't budge. "I'm sorry Tom, I'll have Robyn come find you when there's an update." He said. And I sighed. "Just look after her okay?" I ask and he nodded before he headed into rhesus and I was stood watching my colleagues and Sam's colleagues work they're magic to save her life.


	5. Chapter 5

{normal POV)

'I want ABC's, and prep ready for incubation' Caleb asked and Robyn rushed off to fetch the equipment for stand by 'okay Sam let's take a look at neck of yours' he says and he soon notices a v line around her throat.

"How long was she hanging do we know?" Caleb asked, "between thirty to forty minutes " Fletch said and Caleb nodded.

"Her sats are dropping and her oxygen levels " Rita shouted "right guys, let's incubate" Caleb said and they sped into action. Once incubated Caleb made a call up to ICU,

"Robyn can you go find Tom and let him know that Sam's been incubated and will be transferred to ICU shortly " Caleb said and Robyn nodded.

He could see the nurse was struggling to with hold her emotions, he knew that Sam was a close friend of hers and actually it was hard for all the colleagues to see and witness because no one of them knew none of them knew the struggles that Sam was facing and as far as Caleb could tell Tom had no idea ether.

Max soon arrived to take Sam up to ICU and once she was gone, Caleb and Fletch found Robyn crying. "Hey, it's okay, Sam's going to be okay " Fletch said and Caleb looked at him, he an Fletch both knew that Sam was far from out of the woods yet. It was going to be a long wait. And plus even if Sam did survive there was a chance there maybe some permeant damage to her vocal cords

"Why would she do it?" Robyn asked through her tears. "I'm pretty sure that's a question on everyone's lips, I'm sure Sam had her reasons " Caleb said and Robyn nodded "I always knew something was wrong I could tell that there was something up " she said and Fletch and Caleb raised an eyebrow.

"Whenever we changed into our scrubs, Sam would change in the toilets, at first I just thought maybe she was a little self conscious but now I think about it, she did it to hide her scars from the preying world " Robyn explained.

"And she bonded with that Steven lad that she treated and he was admitted on self harm issues " Robyn added and Caleb and Fletch nodded "we should be just glad that Tom found her when he did " Caleb said and Robyn nodded "I hope she's going to be okay " she added and Caleb excused himself to go find Tom.

He found him in the relatives room "Sam has been transferred to ICU now " he said an Tom nodded "is she going to be okay?" Tom asked and Caleb looked at him "Tom, she's not out of the woods yet, far from it. It's touch and go at the moment but Sam has made it this far so there's a good chance that she will recover, it's just lucky you found her when you did " Caleb said an Tom shrugged his shoulders "I just hope she'll be okay " he said.

"Tom I also noticed the self harm scars on Sam's body, it looks as if she's been doing it for months " caleb asked an Tom nodded "I knew she was trying to hide something whenever we changed she always went to toilets. To change Into scrubs " Caleb interrupted and Tom nodded "Robyn mentioned it, she's just as scared as you are about Sam " he added.

"I should probably go up to ICU " Tom said and Caleb nodded "of course " he said and Tom left. it really was touch an go for Sam. Even if she did recover, she had not only a lot of explaining to do, but a long road to recovery.


	6. Chapter 6

(Toms Pov)

* * *

I made my way up to ICU. I was still trying to get my head around the whole thing, a part of me wanted to he pitched an I would wake up to find this had been nothing but a nightmare but it wasn't as I made my way to ICU and I saw Sam laying there on the bed completely still, lifeless with the tube down her throat as I remember Caleb saying that they needed to incubate.

I eventually walked into the room and took a seat next to Sam, taking her hand into my own and I squeezed it, I wasn't one for showing emotions but I couldn't quiet believe what had happened and it all got too much.

"Sam, why didn't you tell me ?" I find myself saying. "Why didn't tell you tell me about the self harm I could have helped you " I tell her. Finding it hard as the tears slipped down my cheeks.

How do you react when your girlfriend tries to commit suicide? How does anyone react? I thought before I kissed her head "you, you need to get through this Sam okay. I need you" I tell her and I give her hand another squeeze.

And I kiss her hand, the door opened and it revealed Robyn "sorry I'll come back later " she said and I shook my head "it's fine, " I said and she walked back into the room.

"She just looks so lifeless" Robyn said and I nodded "I know " I replied and I looked at Sam. "I can't believe she would actually attempt to take her own life " Robyn said and I nodded "nether can I" I reply.

"She will pull through won't she?" Robyn asked me and I nodded "she's made it this far. Not many people do that hang themselves but there is an chance that there might be some permeant damage to her vocal cords " I explain and Robyn nodded

"As long as she makes it through and gets better then I'm not bothered about her vocal issue " she said and I couldn't help but smile a little.

It was then Fletch came to see her and he brought me sam's medical notes whether anything had been picked up which could explain her behaviour. I wasn't aware of the discovery I was about to make.


	7. Chapter 7

Toms's Pov

* * *

"So the reason Sam tried to take her life was because of what she witnessed on tour?" I wondered as I read her medical notes, it seemed that Sam was experiencing post traumatic stress disorder which hadn't been picked up on.

"Yes, she witnessed her entire camp be blown to smitheries, witnessing that kind of event is bound to have some impact mentally" I was told.

No wonder Sam never spoke about her army experience, she always avoided the subject "does she blame herself for the actions of the suicide bomber?" I ask and the person nodded "that kind of guilt does not go away easy" I was told by her sergeant.

"That's why she came to Holby " I said and she shook her head "the reason Sam came to Holby is because not long after her team was blown to pieces, she killed a man " she said I was more then shocked.

"Sam killed a man?" I repeated, her sergeant nodded "major Nichols assumed that he was going to pull out a bomb when in actual fact he was trying to retrieve an inhaler, it has haunted major Nichols ever since " her sergeant informed me.

"And you didn't think to have her state of mind seen by a professional" I exclaimed. "Major Nicholls was not one for seeking help, she reassured me and everyone around her that she was fine " her Sergeant said.

"She clearly wasn't fine, if she was experiencing symptoms of PTSD if this had been picked up during her medical before she returned for her tour, she would not have been pushed to the brink of suicide " I exclaim slamming my fist down on the table I couldn't believe that the army would do this, let a solider suffer in this way.

"You work for the nhs don't you? Surely you her colleagues would have noticed " her sergeant exclaimed

"The nhs did not fail Sam, the army did " and that was the final say on the matter because I couldn't believe they would let us take the wrap for something they clearly did.

"As long as major Nicholls makes a full recovery " her sergeant stated and I shook my head with disbelief.

"If Sam had died it would have been your fault you allowed a medic to complete an extra year or tour when you know for a fact she was experiencing the trauma of watching her whole team be blown to pieces, you make me sick, you better hope she recovers otherwise it'll be on your head because you failed her " I repeat my words from before

Her sergeant said nothing and I was left to calm myself down, when the door opened and it revealed Caleb. "They're going to try to bring Sam round, her oxygen levels have increased and they think it's best she's removed from the sedation " he said and I nodded still fuming at the army for failing of they're own.


	8. Chapter 8

A few days had passed and I hadn't left Sam's bedside. I wasn't sure whether it was down to the fear that if I got up and left she might wake up in my absence and I didn't want that, I hadn't been getting much sleep whenever I closed my eyes my dreams became nightmares as I wondered an saw things in my dreams that Sam would have seen in the army. I felt bad for her because she was clearly suffering from survivors guilt I mean even if I was her, I wouldn't have been able to handle it ether but Sam had, but something had pushed her to breaking point, was it our relationship? Was I pushing her too far? I didn't know, all I knew was that Sam could be the only person that held those answers. And the longer she wasn't going to give them, the more I felt as if it didn't matter I didn't want to know the reasons why. I just knew I wanted her to get better

It was late in the evening where I once again fell asleep in the arm chair, the hospital chairs are not the comforest it was the best they could offer or I could spend sleeping in the on call room but I wanted to be by Sam's side I was slowly falling asleep when I felt a squeeze on my hand which I held in with Sam's something I had done since I was by her side.

My eyes shot open at once and I saw Sam's eyes beginning to flicker open, for the first time in weeks, Sam's eyes had finally opened. "Tom.." She croaked. "I'm here, " I tell her returning the squeeze of her hand. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry " she said. "Sssh you have nothing to be sorry for " I tell her, placing a kiss to her forehead. I wanted to let her know that I wasn't mad, I wasn't it was the honest truth I was just glad to see her eyes open again. "Tom, " she said looking at me I looked back at her. I took a deep breath I knew that we couldn't avoid the matter all together so I chose to approach the subject with what her sergeant had informed me of when she was unconscious.

"Sam, I know what happened. I know why you did this. You know try to take your own life, because the army failed you, you shouldn't have been left to cope with what you saw on your own, they should never have let you complete another year of tour" I said. She looks at me "you know what happened?" She asked and I simply nodded "your sergeant came to visit you when you were unconscious, she had the nerve to try to blame your suicide attempt on the failings of the NHS, we never failed you they did " I said. "no they didn't Tom.." She said.

"Sam what happened was an accident you were never to have known what was going to happen when you took that tour " I said. "Tom you won't understand, how could you when you've never witnessed what I have first hand" she exclaims. "I'm trying to understand Sam, but what happened wasn't your fault " I said again and she shook her head "you'll never know what it's like, the nightmares, the flashbacks, the guilt. I should have died that day with the rest of them " she said and it was this point I realised she was crying.

"Samm.." I said but she shook her head "Tom you have no idea what it's like to see and look those relatives of those that died in the eyes, you don't know what it's like being the only survivor of something so horrific " she said I bit my lip "I may not, but I want to help, you have post traumatic stress disorder and I want to help you, if you would let me " I ask.


End file.
